I’m doing what I do best. I’m procrastinating on vaguely important laptop work in bed with two piles of clothes: one on the ground and one on the lounge chair. I forgot which one needed to be washed and which one needed to be folded. I keep getting distracted because I think that playing Hulu in the background will maintain my motivation to do anything. When will I learn?!?

I truly don’t know how I got so lucky to live my life. I live in a loving community with friends, family, artists, and activists. I get to collaborate with people who inspire me every day.

Sometimes I’m always in awe in my work, I forget to be who I really am. Attending a PWI and working in a U.S. capitalist space (like most), there’s always a lot of compromise. I’m always giving that “trying to get a job” attitude and “hopefully this will lead to something” face. Then I’m doing the job while managing imposter syndrome. I stop myself!!!!!!! The thing is that I trust myself too much. When I have critical things to say to myself, I think my opinion is wayyyyy too valid. SO WHAT DO I DO IF NOT TRUST MYSELF? Unlearn bad habits and cultivate new self-love practices? I mean, I guess.

The wildest shower thought I’ve recently had is...... maybe I can learn how to let go of expectations?

Groundbreaking, right?

Having expectations of something, someone, and/or their actions comes with a feeling of entitlement. I tend to want a desired outcome so bad; I expect it. And I’m not entitled to anything. I shouldn’t feel entitled to an apology, for a job, for money, or even for like honesty, respect, and communication. This scares the hell out of me, but no matter how badly I’d like for something to happen; I have no control over it. I’d like to so badly. I’m sure it’s a God-complex thing. What does it even mean to be too hard on yourself? (asks the triple-fixed sign who’s too hard on themselves.)

I’m trying to figure this all out. Or at least reflecting on it. I’m actually very content with this semester’s virtual learning, upcoming collaborations, and spending time in my community. The pressure of existing publicly is already so embarrassing to me, but I’m giving myself permission to try!

Here’s some fun things I’ve been up to:

1. THIS BITCH: ESTA SANGRE QUIERO by Adrienne Dawes for the Arktype New Play Festival opened, closed, and is currently streaming!

2. Now that I’m out of rehearsals, I get to play the bass guitar I was gifted by my bestest friend more!

3. I participated in a Professional Development Retreat for Artist 3 60 in January and I def feel profresh B)

4. I’m taking a TV Writing course and love it!!

5. School is forcing me to read more so :(:

I really appreciate all the support I get. I would not be anywhere without it. From sweet messages, views, show-goers, content sharing, or $$$, I could not be more grateful.

See you at the next one! With love <3

audrey samantha romero